DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Roald Kvam 2023

Both silence and violence may be signs that people are feeling unsafe during crucial conversations. Let’s look at

VIOLENCE

Meaning: Convincing, controlling, or compelling others to your viewpoint.

The 3 most common forms of violence are:
1) Controlling
2) Labelling
3) Attacking

CONTROLLING
Coercing others to your way of thinking. E.g. Cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, dominating the conversation.

Examples:

«There’s not a person in the world who haven’t bought one of these things. They’re the perfect gift.» = I can’t justify spending our hard earned savings on this expensive toy, but I really want it…

«We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Everyone knows they don’t really care about the user and have the worst customer service.» = I’m not certain of the real facts, so I’ll use hyperbole to get your attention…

LABELLING
Stereotyping or categorizing people. E.g. Name-calling, generalizing.

Examples:

«Honestly, I’ve been doing this for a lot longer than you.» = I can’t argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want I’ll attack you personally…

«You’re not going to listen to them are you? First, they’re from headquaters. Second, they’re engineers. Need I say more?» = If I rely on pre-existing stereotypes, then I won’t have to explain anything…

ATTACKING
Making the other person suffer. E.g. Belittling, threatening.

Examples:

«I dare you to try and see what happens.» = I will get my way on this even if I have to threaten some vague punishment…

«Don’t listen to a word Jim is saying. He’s just trying to make it better for him. I’m sorry but someone has to have the guts to tell it like it is.» = To get my way I’ll say bad things about the other and then pretend I’m the only one with any integrity…

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If you want to learn more about Crucial Conversations and tools for talking when stakes are high, feel free to reach out to http://www.dreieskiva.com for courses and coaching.