DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Life has a way of presenting us with challenges that feel overwhelming, unpredictable, or downright unfair. At times, it seems as though the circumstances around us are spiraling beyond our reach. In these moments, a critical skill for personal growth, resilience, and effective leadership is understanding the difference between what we can control and what we cannot control. By mastering this distinction, we can focus our energy on the things that truly matter, reduce unnecessary stress, and take meaningful action toward our goals.

The freedom of control

One of the most liberating realizations in personal development is that we have more control than we often think, but also less than we sometimes wish for. This duality is not a limitation—it is an invitation to wisdom. Many people expend enormous energy trying to influence outcomes that are fundamentally outside their control. Whether it’s the decisions of others, unexpected setbacks, or global events, trying to control these elements is like trying to hold water in your hands—it slips away no matter how tightly you grasp.

Coaching invites us to step back and ask a simple question: “Where can I make a difference?” This question helps us separate the areas of our life where action will yield results from the areas where our efforts are better spent on acceptance and adaptation.

What you can control

Understanding what you can control is empowering because it places the power squarely in your own hands. Here are some of the key areas where we have influence:

1. Our thoughts and mindset
   While we cannot always choose the thoughts that enter our minds, we can choose which thoughts to engage with, nurture, or challenge. A positive, growth-oriented mindset is not about ignoring reality; it is about interpreting events in ways that allow us to learn, adapt, and respond constructively. For instance, facing criticism can be uncomfortable, but we can control whether we internalize it negatively or use it as an opportunity to improve.
2. Our actions and behaviors
   You always have control over what you do, even if you cannot control the reactions of others. Small, consistent actions—like practicing a skill, maintaining a daily routine, or approaching others with empathy—can accumulate into substantial change over time. In coaching, we often remind clients that action is the antidote to feeling powerless. Taking even one small step toward your goals creates momentum.
3. Your responses to circumstances
   You may not control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond. Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote about the space between stimulus and response—the space in which freedom and choice exist. Choosing to respond with patience, courage, or integrity, rather than frustration or despair, is a profound exercise of control.
4. Your goals and priorities
   You can decide what matters most to you. Even when life feels chaotic, clarity about your values, goals, and priorities provides a compass for decision-making. By aligning your daily actions with your core values, you gain a sense of control over the direction of your life, even when external conditions are unpredictable.
5. Your environment (to some extent)
   While we cannot control every factor in our surroundings, we can curate aspects of our environment to support our well-being and growth. This might mean creating physical spaces conducive to focus, setting boundaries in relationships, or choosing whom we spend time with. Thoughtful adjustments to your environment reinforce your ability to act intentionally.

What you cannot control

Equally important is understanding what is beyond your control. Recognizing this is not a surrender—it is a strategy for conserving energy and maintaining peace of mind. Key areas often outside our control include:

1. Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions
   You cannot dictate how others will think, feel, or behave. Attempts to control them often lead to frustration or resentment. Instead, focus on how you engage with others, communicate clearly, and set healthy boundaries. Influence, unlike control, is powerful when exercised with empathy and respect.
2. Past events
   The past is immutable. Mistakes, missed opportunities, or painful experiences cannot be undone. Accepting the past allows you to redirect energy toward the present and future, learning from what has been rather than dwelling on what cannot be changed.
3. External circumstances and outcomes
   Economic conditions, global events, natural disasters, or other people’s decisions are outside your direct control. While you can prepare, respond, and adapt, you cannot guarantee outcomes. Accepting this reality is liberating—it frees you to focus on your preparation, resilience, and adaptability.
4. Time and the natural flow of life
   You cannot accelerate time, avoid natural consequences, or fully predict what life will bring. Recognizing this limitation fosters patience and encourages living fully in the moment, appreciating the journey rather than obsessing over control of the outcome.

Practical steps to focus on control

Understanding the difference between control and non-control is powerful, but action solidifies the insight. Here are practical strategies to leverage your control and release what you cannot:

1. Create a control circle
   Draw two circles: one labeled “Control” and one labeled “Non-Control.” List your thoughts, actions, and circumstances in each. This simple visualization clarifies where your energy is best invested.
2. Shift focus from worry to action
   When faced with a challenge, ask: “Is this within my control?” If yes, plan your next steps. If not, focus on your attitude, adaptability, and what you can influence.
3. Set daily intentions
   Begin each day by identifying 1–3 things within your control that you will focus on. Intentional actions, no matter how small, build momentum and self-efficacy.
4. Practice acceptance
   Acceptance is not resignation—it is recognition of reality. By accepting what you cannot change, you free your mind and heart for creativity, problem-solving, and constructive action.
5. Develop emotional awareness
   Emotions often arise from attempts to control the uncontrollable. Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or talking with a coach can help you notice your emotional reactions and choose healthier responses.
6. Celebrate progress in areas you can control
   Growth comes from consistent effort. Acknowledge small wins, improvements in mindset, and intentional choices. Celebrating these achievements reinforces the power you do have.

The power of focused energy

The wisdom of control is beautifully simple: energy spent on things you cannot change is wasted; energy spent on things you can influence is investment. By focusing on what you can control, you increase your resilience, confidence, and effectiveness. By letting go of what you cannot control, you preserve your peace, reduce stress, and cultivate inner freedom.

A coaching mindset for life

Adopting this mindset is not a one-time event but a lifelong practice. Each day presents new opportunities to discern between control and non-control. Each choice, each response, and each action is a chance to exercise your agency. In coaching, clients often discover that this clarity not only improves personal well-being but also enhances leadership, relationships, and decision-making.

The paradox is clear: true power comes from knowing your limits and embracing them while fully exercising the power that remains in your hands. This balance fosters resilience, joy, and purposeful living.

By focusing on what you can control, releasing what you cannot, and acting with intention, you step into a life of clarity, peace, and effectiveness. The more you practice this, the more naturally it becomes a guiding principle—one that shapes your responses, strengthens your relationships, and empowers you to navigate life’s inevitable uncertainties with confidence and grace.