The power of seeing ourselves through others
When you lean over a still lake, you can see your reflection. The surface of the water becomes a mirror, giving you a glimpse of your own face. It’s simple, immediate, and undeniable. But when it comes to understanding who we are as people—our values, strengths, blind spots, and impact—the mirror is not glass, nor water. It’s other people.
Just as water reflects our appearance, the people around us reflect our character, our way of being, and even our growth potential. In the coaching journey, this metaphor is powerful. Because transformation doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in relationship.
In this article, we’ll explore the beauty and challenge of this truth: how others act as our mirrors, why feedback is both a gift and a responsibility, and how leaders, colleagues, and friends can learn to see—and offer—clearer reflections.
The face in the water
When you look at your reflection in water, it’s not perfect. Ripples distort the image. Light bends. Sometimes it’s sharp, sometimes blurred. Still, you recognize yourself. The water gives back something true, though not always complete.
Relationships work in a similar way. The people we interact with—family, friends, coworkers, mentors—reflect something about us. Through their words, reactions, body language, and even their silence, we get a glimpse of who we are and how we affect others.
Think of moments when someone laughed at your joke, frowned at your choice, or thanked you for your kindness. Each of these responses was a reflection, showing you something about yourself in that moment.
We cannot fully see ourselves without others. That’s both humbling and freeing.
Why other people are our mirrors
1. They Reflect Our Impact
We often judge ourselves by our intentions. Others experience us by our impact.
- I may intend to be encouraging, but if my words come across as dismissive, the reflection will show disappointment or frustration.
- I may intend to challenge, but if I push too hard, the reflection may show hurt or resistance.
Through others, we learn not only what we meant but also how we were received.
2. They Show Us Blind Spots
We all have areas of ourselves we cannot see clearly—just like you can’t look directly at your own face without a mirror. Others notice patterns, habits, or strengths that are invisible to us. A colleague may point out your ability to calm tensions in a meeting, even if you take it for granted. Or a friend may gently notice when your stress leaks into conversations.
3. They Inspire Growth
When we see admirable qualities in others—patience, courage, creativity—it awakens a longing in us. Others mirror not only who we are, but also who we could become.
The courage to look in the mirror
The metaphor is beautiful, but it comes with a challenge. Looking into water requires stillness. Looking into people requires humility.
Sometimes the reflection is flattering. Sometimes it stings. Both are necessary.
- A smile of gratitude mirrors back your generosity.
- A frown or silence mirrors back that you might have missed something.
- Honest feedback from a mentor mirrors back where you still have room to grow.
In coaching, we talk about “holding the mirror.” The coach’s role is not to judge, but to reflect—to let the client see themselves more clearly than before. Leaders, too, can become mirrors for their teams, reflecting back strengths, values, and blind spots in a way that invites growth.
The courage lies in receiving what you see without turning away.
How to use the mirror well
So how can we engage with this metaphor in daily life and leadership? Here are a few practices:
1. Invite Honest Reflections
Ask people you trust: “What’s it like to work with me? What do you see me doing well? Where do you see me getting in my own way?”
This is like finding a still pond—clear, calm, and safe enough to show the truth.
2. Learn to Separate Intention from Impact
When feedback surprises you, pause… Instead of defending your intention, consider the impact. Both can be true: you meant well, and the outcome landed differently.
3. Reflect Back to Others
Just as you need mirrors, others need yours. Share observations with kindness. “I noticed how you stayed calm when the meeting got tense. That really helped.” Or: “You seem quieter than usual—what’s on your mind?”
4. Choose the Right Mirrors
Not every reflection is accurate. Some people project their own struggles onto you. Just as water can distort with ripples, human reflections can be blurred by bias, stress, or misunderstanding. Learn to weigh feedback—take what’s helpful, release what’s not.
5. Be Grateful for the Mirror
Every reflection—pleasant or uncomfortable—is a gift. It gives you data about how you are perceived and how you can grow. Gratitude keeps you open to learning.
When the reflection hurts
Not all reflections are easy to face. Sometimes feedback exposes behaviors or patterns that don’t align with who we want to be. In those moments, it’s tempting to reject the mirror or blame the water. But painful reflections can be the most transformative.
For example:
- A manager who discovers their “directness” feels harsh to their team.
- A friend who realizes their well-meant advice often feels controlling.
- A parent who sees, in their child’s eyes, the impact of impatience.
These moments are not failures—they are invitations. The reflection doesn’t condemn; it reveals. And what is revealed can be transformed.
Mirroring in leadership and coaching
Great leaders and coaches know the value of mirroring. They don’t simply instruct or evaluate; they reflect.
- A coach listens deeply, then says, “When you describe your goal, your voice lights up. Did you notice that?”
- A leader observes, “I saw how your question shifted the room. People opened up when you spoke.”
- A colleague reflects, “When deadlines stack up, you seem to withdraw. Have you noticed that pattern?”
These mirrors help people recognize both their strengths and their growth edges. They build self-awareness, which is the foundation of transformation.
The beauty of shared reflection
There is also beauty in the mutuality of mirroring. Just as water reflects your face, it also reflects the sky, the trees, the entire environment. Relationships are like that—dynamic, multi-layered reflections.
When two people engage in honest dialogue, both become mirrors for each other. Both grow. Both are changed.
This is why authentic connection is so powerful. It’s not about fixing each other; it’s about reflecting truth with compassion, so each can see more clearly.
A practical exercise: The reflection journal
Here’s a simple coaching practice you can try:
- At the end of the day, write down three reflections you received.
These could be verbal (feedback, compliments, criticism) or nonverbal (a smile, a sigh, a silence). - Ask yourself: What did this reflect about me? About my impact?
- Note any patterns. Do the reflections align with who you believe you are? Do they highlight growth opportunities?
- Consider your response. How will you act on these reflections tomorrow?
This habit develops awareness and gratitude for the mirrors in your life.
From water to wisdom
The ancient proverb says: “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart”. In other words, just as water reveals our outward appearance, our relationships reveal our inward life.
The metaphor is simple, but its wisdom is deep. None of us can fully know ourselves without others. We need the still water of honest feedback. We need the gentle reflections of friends. We need the courageous mirrors of coaches and leaders.
And in turn, others need us to be their mirrors—clear, compassionate, and truthful.
I choose to look
The face in the water is always there. The question is whether we are willing to lean over, pause, and really look.
In life and leadership, our willingness to see ourselves through others determines our capacity to grow. By inviting reflection, embracing even the uncomfortable truths, and offering reflections to those around us, we create a culture of awareness, trust, and transformation.
The beauty of the mirror—whether in water or in another person—is that it shows us not just who we are, but who we are becoming.
So the next time someone reflects something back to you, pause… and look closely. It might just be the truest picture you’ll see all day.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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