We’ve all been there. A colleague snaps in a meeting. A loved one raises their voice. A client reacts with unexpected hostility. In the moment, it’s tempting to mirror the energy—meeting anger with defensiveness, or worse, with anger of our own.
But if there’s one principle that can transform these moments of tension, it is this:
“Get curious, not furious.”
Anger as a signal, not a threat
Anger is one of the most visible emotions, but also one of the most misunderstood. We often perceive it as a threat—something to defend against, push back, or silence. But anger rarely exists in isolation. More often, it’s a signal of something deeper:
- Fear of being unheard.
- Pain from past experiences.
- Frustration with unmet needs.
- A sense of injustice or disrespect.
When someone directs anger toward us, they are often revealing their vulnerability in disguise.
The trap of reactivity
Our natural response is to protect ourselves. Fight-or-flight kicks in, and before we know it, we’ve raised our voice, fired off an email, or closed ourselves off emotionally. This reactive cycle escalates conflict and erodes trust.
The alternative? Pause… and get curious.
Instead of asking, “Why are they attacking me?” we can reframe:
- “What is this person really trying to express?”
- “What unmet need or fear might be underneath this anger?”
- “What would happen if I listened instead of defended myself?”
Curiosity as connection
Curiosity is disarming. When someone expects resistance and instead meets openness, the dynamic changes. Genuine curiosity does not mean excusing destructive behavior, but it does mean separating the person from the emotion.
Practical ways to practice curiosity in the face of anger:
- Breathe before responding. Create a gap between stimulus and reaction.
- Reflect back. “I hear that this situation is really frustrating for you.”
- Ask gentle questions. “Help me understand what feels most difficult right now.”
- Hold space. Sometimes people need to let the storm pass before clarity emerges.
Seeing the person behind the anger
At its heart, this approach is about empathy. Behind the raised voice is often a person who feels unseen. Behind the sharp words is often someone who longs to be understood.
When we choose curiosity, we choose to see the human being rather than only the emotion. We acknowledge that anger is often a cover for something far more universal: the need to be valued, respected, and heard.
The leadership challenge
For leaders, this mindset shift is crucial. Teams look to their leaders not just for decisions, but for emotional stability. A leader who reacts with fury models fear. A leader who responds with curiosity models courage and compassion.
Conflict doesn’t have to destroy trust—it can deepen it. When handled with curiosity, angry moments can become turning points where relationships strengthen, not fracture.
Closing reflection
The next time anger confronts you, remember: you don’t have to fight fire with fire. You can meet it with curiosity—with the courage to listen, the humility to see beneath the surface, and the compassion to recognize the person behind the emotion.
Because when we “get curious, not furious,” we don’t just defuse anger—we create connection.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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