DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
– Stephen R. Covey

Over the past 30 years, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside individuals, teams, and organizations as they navigate change, shape their culture, build capacity, and pursue long-term, sustainable growth.

I believe in people! I love everything in and between humans.

And am constantly seeking to learn more – and understand how we can take care and challenge each other better. Stephen R. Covey gives us an interesting framework in his book «The 5 Levels of Listening». Covey emphasizes that effective communication starts with deep listening. Listening is not just about hearing words — it’s about creating genuine connection, understanding what truly matters to the other person, and responding with empathy and clarity.

Covey describes 5 distinct levels of listening, each with increasing levels of presence, skill, and impact.

Let’s explore…

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The 5 levels of listening

1. Ignoring – Not listening at all

• You’re distracted, preoccupied, or simply not interested.
• Common in hurried conversations or when multitasking.
• Result: The other person feels invisible or unimportant.

Example: You keep checking your phone while someone is speaking.

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2. Pretend Listening – Acting like you’re listening

• You nod or give short verbal cues («uh-huh», «sure»), but your mind is elsewhere.
• You may be thinking about your response or what you’ll say next.
• Result: The speaker quickly senses you’re not fully present.

Example: “Yeah, I totally get that…” but you don’t actually remember what was said.

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3. Selective Listening – Hearing only parts of the message

• You listen for keywords or things that interest you — and ignore the rest.
• Often seen in conflict or emotionally charged conversations.
• Result: Misunderstandings, partial empathy, and distorted feedback.

Example: Only responding to the part of someone’s story that confirms your view.

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4. Attentive Listening – Focusing on the words

• You give full attention and hear what the person is saying.
• You can repeat their words back accurately.
• But you’re still processing through your own lens, not truly understanding their internal world.

Example: “So you said the meeting didn’t go well and you’re frustrated.”

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5. Empathic Listening – Listening to understand both emotion and meaning

This is the highest level of listening — the goal of Covey’s communication model.

• You listen with your ears, eyes, heart, and full presence.
• You reflect feelings, notice nonverbal cues, and seek to understand the speaker’s reality — not just their words.
• Empathic listeners help others feel seen, heard, and valued.

Example: “It sounds like you felt dismissed in that meeting. That must have been really frustrating after all the preparation you did.”

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Why empathic listening is so powerful

• Builds trust and psychological safety
• Diffuses defensiveness and conflict
• Encourages openness and real dialogue
• Clarifies what truly matters — before offering advice or solutions
• Creates space for mutual understanding and collaboration

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How to practice empathic listening

• Be present. Set aside distractions.
• Listen beyond words. Pay attention to tone, body language, and emotions.
• Reflect and paraphrase. “What I’m hearing is…”
• Validate. Even if you disagree, acknowledge their experience.
• Resist the urge to fix. Empathy first, solutions later.

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Final thought

Covey’s model teaches that real communication begins when we stop listening to respond and start listening to understand.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” — Habit 5 of the 7 Habits

The 5 levels of listening aren’t just a hierarchy — they’re a mirror for how we show up in conversations. By moving toward empathic listening, we build relationships where people feel safe, respected, and truly heard.

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