DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

How you speak to yourself – and why it changes everything

Have you ever paid attention to how you speak to yourself when no one else is listening?

The words we whisper inwardly—our self-talk—may be one of the most powerful tools we have. They can encourage us or hold us back. And during a restart—when life is shifting or being rebuilt—this internal dialogue becomes even more important.

Because what we believe about ourselves shapes what we dare to dream, what we dare to try, and ultimately, how we move forward.

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What is self-talk?

Self-talk is the ongoing conversation you have with yourself throughout the day. It can be conscious—like when you’re trying to psych yourself up before a difficult meeting—or unconscious, like when you instinctively think, “I’ll never get this right.”

The issue isn’t that we talk to ourselves. Everyone does.
The issue is what we say—and how we respond to what we say.

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Common forms of negative self-talk

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “Of course I failed—typical me.”
• “It’s too late for me.”
• “Everyone else is doing better.”
• “I should be further along by now.”

These aren’t harmless thoughts. Over time, they can become the backdrop of your inner world—a “truth” you start to live by. And once you believe it, it shapes your choices. You might give up before you begin. Avoid new opportunities. Or feel ashamed of perfectly normal human emotions.

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Why it matters even more during a restart

In a season of restart—after a loss, a life transition, or inner upheaval—you’re often more vulnerable. You might doubt yourself more than usual. Compare yourself to others. Wonder, “Who am I now?” or “What do I even have left to build from?”

That’s when your inner voice becomes critical.
You don’t need an inner judge. You need an inner ally—one that says, “You’re still here. You’re on your way. This is hard, and you’re doing your best.”

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How to shift from self-criticism to self-support

This isn’t about pretending everything’s perfect. It’s about speaking to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.

Here are five steps to shift your self-talk in a more supportive direction:

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1. Become aware of what you’re saying
Start by noticing your thoughts. Write them down if you can. What patterns do you see? Are the same critical messages showing up again and again?

Example: “I should be further along by now.”
Ask: What’s behind this? Fear? Pressure? Shame?

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2. Question the story
Is the thought true—or just familiar? What evidence do you have? Could it be an outdated belief you’ve never challenged?

“I never succeed.” → Is that really true? What have you achieved—even in small ways?

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3. Shift the perspective
What would you say to a friend in this situation? Try saying those same words to yourself.

From: “You’re messing everything up.”
To: “You’re doing your best in a really tough time.”

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4. Use empowering language
Swap “I have to” and “I should” with “I choose to” or “I want to.” This shift reinforces agency and self-worth.

From: “I should be working harder.”
To: “I choose to take one step because I want to feel better.”

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5. Create a supportive anchor phrase
Choose one sentence you can repeat when things get tough. Something grounding and kind. For example:

• “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
• “I’m learning as I go.”
• “I’m on the path, and that’s what matters.”

Write it on a sticky note. Set it as your phone wallpaper. Say it out loud when you need it most.

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When negative thoughts take over – try this

If you catch yourself spiraling into harsh self-talk, pause and:

• Breathe deeply three times – reconnect with your body.
• Write down your thoughts – no filter.
• Respond with compassion – ask: “What do I truly need right now?”
• Speak it out loud – sometimes thoughts sound very different when said out loud.

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A final word: You are not your thoughts

Your thoughts are not facts. They are suggestions—many of which were formed long ago, shaped by experiences, fears, or old habits.

You get to choose which ones to believe.
You get to create a new inner voice—one that builds, rather than breaks down.

Because a restart isn’t about proving your worth. It’s about growing into your next chapter—with intention, grace, and trust in the journey.

Every time you meet yourself with kindness instead of criticism, you’re building something powerful: an inner resilience that can hold steady even when the outside world shifts.