DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

In any relationship—whether personal, professional, or societal—perspective matters. The way we see a situation is shaped by countless factors: background, values, culture, emotion, and power dynamics. But what happens when someone else dictates what you’re allowed to see, feel, or believe?

The answer is simple—and serious: truth becomes blurry.

Not because truth doesn’t exist, but because the lens through which it’s interpreted is no longer your own.

Let’s explore…

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The power of the lens

A lens is more than just a metaphor. It represents the frameworks, narratives, and filters that shape how we understand reality. When someone else controls that lens—especially someone in a position of authority, influence, or emotional closeness—they can distort:

• What happened
• What it meant
• How you should feel about it
• Whether your experience is valid

This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, or even long-term erosion of self-trust. Over time, you may begin to question your memory, judgment, or gut instincts.

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Signs that you’re not holding the lens

You might be experiencing this distortion if you find yourself thinking or saying:

• “Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”
• “They said it wasn’t a big deal, so maybe I misunderstood.”
• “I feel uncomfortable, but I can’t explain why.”
• “They always say I remember things wrong.”
• “I shouldn’t feel hurt—this is probably my fault.”

These are red flags that your internal compass is being overridden by someone else’s narrative. It may not be intentional manipulation, but the effects can still be deeply disorienting.

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Why this matters in leadership and community

In organizations, teams, and families, control over the “lens” often comes through language and culture. If only certain people are allowed to define what is “normal,” “acceptable,” or “true,” others may feel silenced—even when their experience is valid.

This can lead to:

• Unhealthy conformity
• Suppressed creativity
• Unspoken pain or injustice
• Fear of speaking up

True collaboration only happens when multiple lenses are welcomed—and when people are allowed to own their own story.

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Gaslighting: The most extreme example

In psychological terms, the most destructive version of lens control is gaslighting—a form of manipulation where someone causes you to question your reality. It often sounds like:

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “No one else feels that way.”
• “You’re imagining things.”

This kind of distortion is not just frustrating—it’s damaging. It undermines autonomy, trust, and mental health. And it’s important to name it when it occurs.

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Reclaiming your lens

So how do you begin to see clearly again?

1. Pause and reflect. What do you believe happened? What do you feel in your body and heart?
2. Talk to someone safe. Trusted friends, mentors, counselors, or coaches can help you validate and clarify your experience.
3. Write it down. Journaling can be a powerful way to reclaim your inner narrative.
4. Set boundaries. You are allowed to protect your clarity—even if someone else is uncomfortable with that.
5. Seek truth with humility and courage. Truth doesn’t require control; it requires space and honesty.

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Leaders: Let go of the lens

If you’re a leader, parent, manager, teacher, or mentor—release the urge to define someone else’s experience. Give them the dignity of interpretation. Ask open-ended questions. Invite honesty. Create space for multiple perspectives.

True influence doesn’t come from controlling the lens. It comes from creating environments where truth is discovered together—with mutual respect and trust.

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Remember this!

When someone else controls the lens, your world becomes blurred—not because you’re weak, but because you’re human. Clarity comes not from louder voices or sharper arguments, but from being seen, heard, and trusted.

Reclaim your lens. Reclaim your voice. Because truth doesn’t have to be loud to be real—it just has to be yours.