Some forms of power don’t come with raised voices or clenched fists—they come subtly, through exclusion, mockery, manipulation, and fear. These negative ruling techniques (also known as destructive communication patterns or social control tactics) often operate under the surface of group dynamics—whether in workplaces, families, social groups, or faith communities as well as in sports clubs or political parties, leadership structures, and even in our friendships.
Let’s explore 10 of the most common destructive techniques used to control, silence, or diminish others. Awareness is the first step toward freedom—and healing.
1. Exclusion and isolation
“You’re not welcome here.”
When someone is systematically excluded from conversations, decisions, or social events, the message is loud: you don’t belong. This tactic creates loneliness, insecurity, and can deeply affect a person’s self-worth. Isolation is often used to weaken someone’s voice and reduce their influence in a group.
Ask: Who’s not at the table—and why?
2. Mockery and ridicule
“You’re the joke.”
Mocking someone’s ideas, emotions, appearance, or mistakes can be disguised as humor. But the aim is clear: to discredit and belittle. Ridicule is a powerful way to silence others, especially when done in public or with laughter from others.
Healthy communication respects vulnerability. Mockery punishes it.
3. Degradation
“You’re less than us.”
This involves belittling someone’s abilities, character, or intelligence—either directly or subtly. Degradation is about power. It creates a hierarchy where one person or group is seen as superior, while others are pushed down.
No one flourishes in a culture of constant comparison and belittling.
4. Gossip and rumor-spreading
“Let’s talk about them.”
Whispers behind someone’s back, half-truths, and false narratives—these can destroy reputations and relationships. Gossip isolates people by turning others against them. Rumors spread faster than truth and can be used as a weapon to discredit or control.
If someone talks to you about others, they may also talk about you to others.
5. Emotional dumping
“Here’s my pain—hold it.”
Some people control others by constantly offloading emotional chaos, guilt, or unresolved trauma onto them. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where the listener feels responsible, exhausted, or manipulated into caretaking at the cost of their own boundaries.
Supporting someone is not the same as being their emotional dumping ground.
6. Pushing and invading
“I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable.”
This includes overstepping physical, emotional, or relational boundaries. Pushy behavior can look like forced intimacy, relentless messaging, or disrespect for personal space or time. It creates an atmosphere where saying “no” is difficult or even punished.
Boundaries are a sign of maturity. Violating them is not strength—it’s disrespect.
7. Threats and violence
“Do what I say—or else.”
Whether physical, verbal, or psychological, threats and acts of violence are the most direct and dangerous forms of control. They induce fear, compliance, and trauma. Even a raised voice or aggressive body language can have lasting effects.
Safety is not a luxury—it’s a human right.
8. Defining reality
“That’s not what happened.”
This is a manipulative technique where someone denies or distorts another person’s experience. It includes gaslighting—questioning someone’s memory, feelings, or sanity. The aim is to take control over the narrative and leave the other person doubting themselves.
Truth becomes blurry when someone else controls the lens.
9. Disruption and chaos
“Let me keep you off balance.”
Creating confusion, drama, or sudden changes can be a way of asserting control. It keeps others reactive rather than reflective. In relationships, this may show up as unpredictability, mood swings, or constantly shifting expectations.
Stability creates room for clarity. Chaos breeds dependence.
10. Accusations
“You’re the problem.”
Frequent or false accusations can shame someone into silence or compliance. These accusations often target someone’s character, motives, or loyalty—and are sometimes projected issues the accuser doesn’t want to face themselves.
Honest accountability is healthy. Constant accusation is control in disguise.
A call to awareness and courage
These negative ruling techniques are rarely named when they’re happening—but they often leave deep emotional wounds. They can appear in families, teams, faith communities as well as in sports clubs or political parties, leadership structures, and friendships. And they can be passed on unless we choose something different.
The opposite of manipulation is mutuality.
The opposite of control is trust.
The opposite of fear is love.
If you recognize some of these tactics in your environment—or even in yourself—pause. Reflect. Seek wise counsel. Healing begins when we bring these shadows into the light. The Bible provide some smart guidence here, I think:
“Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31)
“Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14)
There is a better way. And it starts with how we choose to lead, speak, and relate—every day.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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