DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

The power of listening often outshines that of speaking. In high-stakes situations, listening doesn’t just receive information — it shapes outcomes. When done well, it creates connection, opens dialogue, and softens tensions.

Let’s explore…

---

1. Active & deep listening

Definition & essentials
Active listening means being fully present — focusing not just on words, but on tone and body language. As one mediator puts it, it’s “fully focusing, understanding, and responding thoughtfully”.

Key components include:

• Attention: Maintain 50–70% eye contact, lean in, and remove distractions.
• Paraphrasing: Reflect what you’ve heard in your own words.
• Open-ended questions: e.g., “Can you tell me more?”
• Patience: Wait out silences.
• Minimal encouragers: «I see,» or «Go on.»
• Emotional labeling: Acknowledge feelings: “It sounds like you’re frustrated”.

Benefits

• Builds trust & rapport
• Reduces misunderstandings
• Shows you value the speaker
• Encourages reflection and deeper disclosure.

---

2. Listening for meaning, not just words

Words convey surface information—but true listening digs deeper:

Reflective listening

This involves echoing both content and emotion, confirming your understanding.

Listening to emotion

Be attentive to tone and body language. Validate feelings with statements like, “You seem upset—that must be hard”.

Seeking clarification

Instead of assuming, ask for clarity: “How did you come to that conclusion?”

Listening without judgment

High-quality listening means setting aside your own agenda and welcoming the speaker’s perspective.

Insights gained:

• Hidden motivations or concerns
• Nuances in emotional state
• Unspoken assumptions or biases

---

3. How listening de-escalates tension

Listening isn’t just polite — it’s strategic. It can radically shift a volatile interaction.

Builds Emotional Safety

Acknowledging feelings and validating them “reduces defensiveness and opens dialogue”.

Cools Emotional Intensity

When someone feels heard, emotional charging decreases naturally.

Disrupts Reactivity

Rather than reflexively responding, listening creates a pause—allowing calmer, more thoughtful engagement.

Shifts Focus to Resolution

Once tensions subside, focus moves from blame to understanding and resolution.

Preserves and Restores Relationships

Listening keeps lines of communication open and prevents conflicts from becoming personal .

---

4. Practical listening tactics

Technique	What It Looks Like	Why It Helps
Open-ended questions	“Tell me more about…”	Encourages elaboration
Paraphrasing	“So you mean…”	Confirms understanding
Mirroring	Echo last words	Shows engagement
Labeling emotions	“Sounds like frustration.”	Validates without judgment
Strategic silence	Wait before responding	Encourages depth

---

5. Listening in different high-stakes contexts

Negotiation & Diplomacy

The FBI’s Behavioral Change Stairway Model emphasizes listening first: “Active listening → empathy → rapport → influence → behavior change”.

Conflict De-escalation

Nonviolent communication and professional mediation underscore listening as the first step toward safety, validation, and productive problem-solving .

Polarized Conversations

Studies show that high-quality listeners reduce speaker defensiveness, extremity of views, and increase openness in others—even amid disagreement.

---

6. Overcoming barriers to listening

Common Obstacles

• Internal distractions: preparing a response or judging
• External interruptions: phones, ambient noise

Practical Fixes

• Practice pause… to reflect: center attention before entering conversations
• Remove distractions: silence phones, close laptops
• Slow your response: use pauses intentionally
• Focus on the speaker, not your thoughts

---

7. Training listening skills

Practice in Safe Settings

• Use coaching circles or peer feedback sessions
• Try reflection exercises using interviews or role-play

Get Feedback

Ask how others perceive your listening: “Did I get what you were saying?”

Measure and Reflect

Record progress: more open communication, less conflict escalation, higher trust.

---

Listening as leadership

Listening is more than a skill—it’s a leadership strategy. It creates influence not by command, but through empathy and understanding. In diplomacy, business, or daily life, strong listening builds trust, reveals what truly matters, and transforms potential conflict into authentic connection.

“The most powerful tool you have in influence is your ears.”

Start today: pause, ask, reflect—and watch how your listening opens doors and strengthens relationships.