Leaders, aren’t they expected to be decisive, knowledgeable, and action-oriented? Listen, there’s a simple but powerful leadership practice that turns this expectation on its head: saying less and asking more. It’s the foundation of The Coaching Habit (a book by Michael Bungay Stanier) a widely respected approach to building stronger teams, growing people, and becoming a more effective leader.
Bungay Stanier’s approach is about building a habit of curiosity — of pausing before you jump in with advice, and instead learning to ask better questions that spark reflection, ownership, and growth.
Let’s explore…
Why “Saying Less, Asking More” works
Leaders are often rewarded for having answers. But ironically, the best leaders are often the ones who don’t rush to solve problems. Instead, they empower others to find their own insights.
Here’s why saying less and asking more is a game-changer:
- It builds ownership. When people discover their own answers, they commit more deeply to the outcome.
- It develops critical thinking. Regularly being asked meaningful questions strengthens a team’s problem-solving muscles.
- It saves time in the long run. Leaders who coach reduce their team’s dependence on them for every decision.
- It fosters psychological safety. Being asked and heard builds trust — people feel respected and engaged.
In short, asking more and saying less creates more capable, confident, and collaborative teams.
The 7 essential coaching questions
Bungay Stanier proposes seven deceptively simple questions that can radically improve the quality of your conversations:
1. The kickstart question: “What’s on your mind?”
This open-ended prompt invites the other person to bring what really matters to them — not just what’s urgent. It shows trust and creates space for meaningful dialogue.
2. The AWE question: “And what else?”
This is the magic multiplier. Most people don’t say everything on their mind the first time. Asking this simple follow-up often leads to deeper insights — and prevents leaders from jumping to conclusions too soon.
3. The focus question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
This question digs beneath surface-level issues and gets to the personal stake or block. It helps the coachee move from describing the problem to owning their part in solving it.
4. The foundation question: “What do you want?”
Clarity of desire is powerful. This question encourages people to identify what outcome or support they’re truly seeking, which is often different from their initial complaint or concern.
5. The lazy question: “How can I help?”
This flips the common habit of offering solutions before they’re needed. It invites agency and reduces assumptions. It’s lazy — in a good way — because it puts responsibility back where it belongs.
6. The strategic question: “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
Saying yes always involves trade-offs. This question helps clarify priorities and surfaces the hidden costs of commitments.
7. The learning question: “What was most useful for you?”
Ending a conversation with this question reinforces learning and reflection. It also gives the leader valuable feedback about what’s landing — and what’s not.
Developing the coaching habit
The key to success isn’t simply knowing these questions. It’s building the habit of asking them in the moments that matter.
Here’s how to start:
1. Recognize the advice monster
Most leaders have an “advice monster” — the instinct to jump in with a fix. Recognizing this impulse is the first step to quieting it.
2. Pick one question and practice it
You don’t need all seven questions at once. Start with one — for example, “What’s the real challenge here for you?” — and practice it in your next few conversations.
3. Make it conversational, not formal
These questions are most powerful when used naturally. You don’t have to say them word-for-word — adapt them to your style.
4. Pause more often
Silence can feel uncomfortable, but it’s often where the real thinking happens. Ask — then give space.
5. Reflect on your coaching moments
After meetings or 1:1s, reflect: Did I ask more than I told? Did I give people space to think? What could I do differently next time?
Coaching vs. fixing
The Coaching Habit isn’t about abdicating responsibility or ignoring urgency. There are times when decisions need to be made fast, and leaders must lead.
But for most everyday moments — in 1:1s, team check-ins, feedback sessions, or even hallway conversations — choosing to coach instead of fix opens up greater capacity, clarity, and confidence in those around you.
It’s not about never giving advice. It’s about making advice the last resort, not the first instinct.
Coaching in practice
Example 1: A Team Member Lacking Motivation
Instead of saying:
“You need to refocus and stop missing deadlines.”
Try asking:
“What’s the real challenge for you right now?”
“And what else?”
“What do you want?”
This opens up a space for the team member to surface internal or external blockers and take ownership of their next step.
Example 2: A Peer Asking for Input on a Presentation
Instead of jumping in with:
“Here’s how I’d do it…”
Try:
“What’s on your mind about it?”
“How can I best support you?”
The peer feels empowered to explore their approach, and your help becomes more focused and effective.
The long-term impact of asking more
Leaders who embrace the coaching habit report profound benefits:
- Higher team engagement and retention
- More autonomous, innovative problem-solving
- Reduced leadership burnout
- Stronger communication and trust
It also shifts your leadership identity — from being the one with all the answers, to being the one who unlocks the best in others.
“Being curious is the starting point to being a great coach,” writes Bungay Stanier. And curiosity is a choice we can make every day.
When leaders commit to saying less and asking more, they unleash insight, initiative, and growth — not just in their teams, but in themselves.
So next time you feel the urge to fix: Pause. Ask. Listen.
And trust that the best answers often come from the person sitting across from you.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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