DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

The consequences of distancing ourselves from feelings

When we hold our feelings at arm’s length, the effects can be wide-ranging:

• Fatigue, sleep issues, trouble concentrating.
• Physical symptoms like headaches, stiff shoulders, muscle and back pain, stomach aches.
• Low self-esteem or self-loathing.
• Loneliness; few or no close friends; a desire to isolate or constant unease around others.
• Difficulty accepting and feeling safe in our own bodies and sexuality.
• Intense emotional fluctuations—one day we’re on top of the world; the next, we’re down.
• Aggression issues—either difficulty admitting anger or inability to control it, or a constant critical irritation.
• Depressive or anxious feelings.
• A sense of emptiness or meaninglessness.
• Thoughts of ending our own life.

These symptoms often hinder our ability to function well—whether at school, work, among friends, or within the family.

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Causes & when to seek help

We all experience emotions. But if:

1. They cause significant distress,
2. Multiple symptoms occur simultaneously,
3. They persist over time (several months),
4. They aren’t better explained by physical illness or a specific situational crisis (e.g. grief),

…it may indicate deeper emotional or psychological issues requiring support.

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Genuine vs adapted emotions

Experiencing feelings is healthy; suppressing them is often harmful. Often we learn which emotions are acceptable, and which aren’t—for example:

• “Don’t be sad—you should be glad!”
• “You have nothing to be angry about!”

Some families respond to a child’s anger with punishment or shame. That child learns to replace their anger with a more “acceptable” emotion—usually guilt.

When spontaneous feelings are consistently replaced, an inner void can develop—leading to insecurity and low self-worth.

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Suppressed emotions

Sometimes it’s appropriate to suppress emotions, such as when urgently helping an accident victim. But constant emotional suppression drains us physically and mentally.

We suppress feelings because:

1. We fear they’ll be too intense to handle.
2. They don’t fit our self-image (e.g. “I’m not the angry type”).
3. We fear how others will react.

We might distract ourselves with work, food, music, drugs, sex, or constant company. The problem is: the feelings don’t vanish—they steer us more than we realize. Only by acknowledging and feeling them can they resolve over time.

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Internal defense systems

We often use psychological defenses to keep feelings at bay. These include:

• Repression: burying emotions in the unconscious.
• Projection: attributing our feelings to others.
• Rationalization: explaining away our behavior with false logic.
• Displacement: redirecting emotions onto safer targets.
• Overcompensation: displaying the opposite behavior of how we feel.
• Repetition compulsion: unconsciously re-experiencing painful feelings to uncover unresolved wounds.

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If emotions aren’t welcomed

If our emotions aren’t acknowledged or accepted, this can lead to:

• Fear of abandonment.
• Loss of emotional authenticity—feeling compelled to fit others’ expectations.
• Perfectionistic or depressive tendencies.
• Sexual dysfunction or identity confusion.
• Inability to fully experience life.
• Fragmented identity and memory gaps.
• Rage disproportionate to triggers.
• Imbalanced closeness or detachment in relationships.
• Distractibility and fluctuating self-esteem.
• Inability to articulate or accept personal needs.

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How to speak about feelings

Feelings are not opinions; they must simply be accepted.

Expressing feelings effectively:

• “I am …” statements: e.g. “I am afraid when…”
• “I feel …” statements: e.g. “I feel alone,” or “I feel anxious.”
• Bodily descriptions: e.g. “I feel tension,” “I have a headache.”

Avoid equating personal opinions with emotions:

• If you say, “I feel that we should…” you’re disguising a thought as a feeling.
• Saying “I feel that…” during a debate can shield an opinion from challenge—creating avoidance rather than honest dialogue.

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In summary

Emotions are vital resources, woven through our life story. Through thoughtful conversation we can map and reconnect with emotions we’ve lost touch with. By acknowledging and feeling them, we prevent unconscious patterns from unconsciously shaping our attitudes and behaviors.

When our feelings are recognized and integrated, they stop controlling us—and we regain freedom.