Anger—or aggression—is perhaps the emotion most often denied. People may turn pale and tremble in their voice, yet still deny that they are angry.
Unrecognized aggression often hides behind depression or anxiety disorders. In grief, one may also feel aggression.
Many who enter therapy begin with statements like, “I really have nothing to be bitter about, but…” The word “but” reveals that anger or bitterness is not far away. As the conversation unfolds, much anger may surface—expressed in words, tone of voice, and body language.
I grew up under Christian preaching, and sadly, many preachers over time labeled all forms of aggression as sin. That isn’t accurate. Check Ephesians 4:26—you’ll quickly see that it is possible to be angry and not sin. It’s also important not to can or bottle up our anger until it becomes bitterness. We need to seek reconciliation with those we are angry with—today.
The biblical authors urge us to endure injustice. That’s true. But they also teach that vengeance is not ours; instead, we entrust it to God. This does not mean we let people trample over us. Healthy self-assertion is both right and necessary.
Furthermore, if we don’t feel anger when injustice is committed against others, we’ve likely become indifferent. It is wrong to demand blind, immediate forgiveness of those who have suffered injustice and to refuse to correct those who have committed it.
If we ourselves have done wrong, we cannot expect the injured party not to be angry with us. They have every right to be.
Anger is not inherently negative
Aggression is not solely destructive. It can be a positive force that helps us set boundaries, overcome obstacles, and move forward in life. Where aggression is entirely absent, stagnation and timidity may prevail—and that’s not the same as godliness or humility.
Strangely, it is often those closest to us whom we love most who trigger our anger. The opposite of love is not aggression—it’s indifference.
If our anger toward loved ones remains unacknowledged, there’s only one outcome: distance. But when we are allowed to voice our anger, warmth can return and relationships can deepen—even against what many may assume.
When do we react with anger?
We become angry in response to injustice or unreasonable treatment. Aggression also arises when we face obstacles, feel pressured, or fear that we are losing our freedom.
We feel anger in the face of danger, rejection, loss, disappointment—or when our emotional needs are unmet.
Low self-esteem, guilt, feelings of helplessness, meaninglessness, or unrealistic expectations tend to exacerbate aggression—or make us more easily triggered.
We may feel angry at others when we recognize in them our own flaws. Parents, for instance, often become upset seeing traits they dislike in their children because those same traits may reflect their own.
We can also become angry at others out of fear of recognizing those traits in ourselves. Someone who understands the importance of being strong may become enraged at those who seem weak.
Anger toward others may indicate that we feel threatened, frightened of them, or inferior compared to them.
In our culture, anger is often acceptable—it displays strength—while fear, loneliness, or guilt are viewed as weakness. So we may default to anger rather than acknowledge our vulnerability.
Admitting our anger
Aggression is one of the strongest forces within us—both destructive and constructive. That’s why it’s essential to acknowledge it. If we suppress it in our subconscious, we risk harming others and ourselves unconsciously, or missing out on the positive potential of our anger.
We all get angry. If we’re unwilling to admit it, we risk ending up in hypocrisy—a tiring performance.
We must dare to admit our anger to those we love deeply. Often, they are the ones we feel anger toward.
It’s important to own our aggression—and equally important to allow others to be angry at us. We won’t fall apart if others direct anger at us—so long as it’s not violent.
Once we acknowledge our anger, we can contain it. We don’t have to destroy anything. We can express that we’re angry without being disrespectful, pounding tables, or slamming doors. We can address someone’s words or actions—without labeling or dismissing them as hopeless or foolish.
Three forms of aggression
- Rage seeks to harm—through words, actions, damage, or even violence. This is the aggression that biblical teaching identifies as sinful.
- Hidden aggression—backbiting, rumor-spreading, or persistent criticism—is also aggression. It can fuel destructive debates or relational decay.
- Passive aggression—resistance, sulking, procrastination, sarcasm, veiled attacks, withdrawal—is indirect but still harmful. It may be hidden behind a sanctimonious exterior.
We also see self-directed aggression manifesting as self-sabotage—isolating ourselves, addiction, failure, or even suicide. This is the darkest form of anger.
What is righteous anger?
Righteous anger—what we might call “holy indignation”—drives us to set boundaries, protect ourselves, stand against injustice, and pursue justice. It is not rage or insult.
As Arnulf Øverland said,
“You must not tolerate so thoroughly the injustice that does not affect yourself.”
Too little protest often means we stand by while others suffer injustice.
What is the healthiest form?
- Rage harms.
- Insult damages relationships.
- Righteous anger seeks repair and justice.
Rage and insult aim to destroy; righteous anger aims to confront evil and defend truth.
Rage is selfish, insult is cowardly, righteous anger is compassionate.
Biblically, rage and insult are forbidden. Righteous anger is commanded. Yet among Christians, fear of rage, overuse of insult, and scarcity of righteous anger are common.
Anger’s direction matters
The healthiest anger is directed at the source of injustice. Admitting that truth is key. It is less healthy when we are angry but won’t admit who we are angry at—especially if that person is someone we love or depend on.
Anger can also hide behind obsessive moralism or judgmental behavior. That guise distances us from our own emotions.
It is even more unhealthy when we turn our aggression inward—toward ourselves. Self-directed aggression can become self-hatred, manifesting in isolation, illness, addiction, or self-sabotage. In the worst cases, it leads to suicide.
Be angry—but do something with it
Anger itself is not a problem—it is natural and sometimes necessary. A healthy person feels joy, sorrow, fear, and anger. It is nothing short of unhealthy to believe one never experiences fear or anger. Yet some have been raised to believe that anger is always wrong—they need permission to feel justified anger.
Some need help expressing anger constructively: with words, tone, and body language. That doesn’t mean using insults, disrespect, or violence. Instead, we express righteous anger—not hiding beneath hurt, nor unleashing rage.
Often, the barrier to expressing anger is unfamiliarity. It’s not just that we haven’t practiced naming it—it’s that we thought we didn’t have it.
Support and next steps
If you’d like help developing healthy emotional expression and assertiveness, coaching and courses are available. Having guidance to learn how to feel and express anger in appropriate ways can be transformative.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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