DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.” — James Openheim

Being able to adapt to different situations, tasks, or workplace cultures is a good quality. But if you bend more and more just to fit into a given situation, a particular job, or the culture that rules the place, then you—your TRUE SELF—can break.

When external expectations become your internal expectations, you lose yourself.

So how do you get back to yourself and what really matters to you?

When other people’s expectations control you, you stop spending time on the things you like. You take on more of what drains your life force, while putting aside more of what fuels the fire in your belly. And soon you begin to change yourself to fit into something that, over time, breaks you down and takes you away from your values, your core SELF.

For me, questions became my compass when I had to find my way back to myself through unknown waters. Good questions from good friends that steered me away from the reefs and helped me move forward, one stroke at a time.

Here are two of them that helped me return to myself and what really matters:

• Who do you want to be?
• What experiences—good moments—do you want to create? (or: How do you want to feel?)

And with answers to those two, I built on with five new ones:

• Are you fulfilling your mission or purpose; are you building on it, moment by moment?
• Are you giving your best where you have your best to give?
• Are you living your values?
• Are you spending time on your strengths, on your natural behavioral profile?
• Are you spending your time more on what you want rather than on what you don’t want?

By spending more time on your strengths—your natural patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing—you give yourself energy and capacity to find the way forward (or: back to yourself). The opposite is also true: if you burn time on your weaknesses and mistakes from days gone by, block your feelings, and please others’ expectations, you can actually feel your life force fading.

By giving your best where you have your best to give, you unleash your #1 competitive advantage in a tough world. At the same time, you establish your own unique contribution. Because no one else can be and act like you.

By living your values, you set the stage for more passion (and happiness) in your life. If you value adventure, then live it. If you value relationships, make them your highest priority. If you value learning, then look for teachers in everything and everyone.

By spending more time on what you want, you use your most precious resource: time. By finding ways to spend more time on your strengths and values, you simultaneously improve the quality of the time you use. Smart, right?! This way you don’t have to chase after something potentially better out there somewhere… It is established and grows around and inside you, here and now.

By fulfilling your mission or purpose, you bring it all together. Moment by moment. It becomes your personal “North Star” or your “internal compass,” if you will.

— — —

I have experienced what it means to be lost from yourself—and how numb it can make you.

After 30 years with various Christian leadership titles above my head, I eventually lived only in my own head. I was well used to postponing my own needs and going “the extra mile” for others. There was much good in that. I thrived all the way to the “wall.” And it was quite effective, job-wise. But it was inhuman! I basically became a Mission machine.

Believe me: I know the road back to your own will and your own feelings can be surprisingly long. And hard.

I would consider it a true honor and privilege if I could walk those miles with you.

Let’s connect if you are considering tackling those meters. It’s worth the journey! I’ve gotten myself back! What truly matters.