DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Life can be beautiful. And also painful from time to time. We may experience criticism and rejection, injustice and disappointments, conflict and crises.

Children are not stupid. They learn how to survive when life hurts, developing survival strategies. It has a big advantage: the child survives. It also has a number of disadvantages if we cling to them growing up. What helped when we were children can become an obstacle when we are adults. Meaning: If we stick to the strategies that helped us as children, they may prevent the unfolding of our life as adults. It’s good that we survived, but now we also want to live… So let’s look at some survival strategies that we can advantageously drop:

Building a wall

Or: Dress in a suit of armor. Or: Hiding in a shell. We seem harsh and unapproachable. And apparently strong and self-sufficient. The wall, the armor, the shell can be built from different materials. For example, professionalism, spirituality, activity, jokes, irony, body language, clothes, hairstyle, even our location in the room. When we build a wall, there is always something we brick in. And something else we brick out.

Criticize

This one works like this: I criticize you before you have time to criticize me. I become a kind of cactus that you stick yourself on. The cactus has spikes to protect itself. Perhaps we became critical because we grew up in an environment where criticism was an important part of everyday life?

Reject

There is almost nothing as painful as being rejected. And if I am afraid that you will reject me, I can try to get ahead of you by rejecting you first. Then you get hurt. But, I survive. The strange thing is that we often alternate between this strategy and the next one, which is:

Cling

Then we are not the cactus, but resemble the creeper that needs something to cling to, and that never feels that it gets close enough. Someone clinging is usually afraid of losing. And the person who clings has probably experienced painful losses. If we have experienced losses and betrayal, we get angry somewhere inside us. That is why it is so easy to switch between clinging and rejecting. This behavior is also quite typical for people who have experienced violence and abuse.

Be all ready to please

I can’t risk someone leaving me. I have so little faith in myself that I don’t think my own opinions and feelings have any value. Tell me what you mean and I’ll mean the same. Ask me for a favor and I’ll say yes. Deep down I feel taken advantage of and angry, but I want nothing to do with that now…

Help

It is good when we have “a plus” that we want to use in the service of others. It is a problem if we are tempted to help because we have “a minus” inside us. Then we rush to give others the help we miss. This pattern is difficult to break out of. Burnout can often be the result.

Be a leader

The manager is in control! Being the leader reduces your anxiety: If I am a leader, I have a position and know who I am, I think. If I am a leader, I have an excuse to make contact and be with other people. If I am a leader, I can help steer clear of everything that would challenge me in the areas where I would rather not be challenged. You see: The leadership role is well suited to conceal loneliness and insecurity.

Be weak

If we cannot win by being the strong one, then it is at least as effective to be the weak one: Others must pay attention to me. If you disagree with me, I can start crying, get a headache or go to bed sick. This is how I create guilt in you so that you eventually agree with me. Or I get so bored or sick that you have to do the work for me. Those who use the strategy have often experienced that weakness was the only thing that gave attention and care.

Be a clown

Maybe it was the way you got attention? The others were praised because they were skilled. And you? When you were funny… Maybe I’m so afraid that you’ll laugh at me, that I laugh at myself to get ahead of you so it doesn’t hurt so much? Or am I so afraid that you won’t take my opinions and feelings seriously, that I present everything as a joke first just to probe the terrain a bit? The circus clown is cheerful in the arena, but cries when he is alone in the circus wagon. He hides his feelings behind a funny facade.

Strive

If deep down I have a fear of not succeeding, it may become important to gather evidence that I am successful. It’s just as if I think that if someone is going to be able to like me, then I have to be something, have something or perform something.

Finally: Relax! There is a The five-year-old in us all

No matter how old we get, and no matter what survival strategy we use, there is still a little boy or a little girl somewhere inside us. What are the important questions for the 5-year-old: 

• Do you like me? 
• Do you want to play with me? 
• May I help you? 

See? We ALL need to be seen and heard, and get a feeling that we can master something. Then we’re fine. And can develop a safe, healthy sense of self. So… we are all vulnerable. Let us help each other to drop the survival strategies and just enjoy life. 

We are the ones who have been given this gift to live. So let’s live and not limit ourselves.