DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

When conversations tighten—and turn tough—it’s easy to stop talking and start reacting

We fall into patterns. We try to win. Maybe even get a little payback.
Or we just want to regain some balance, some sense of safety for ourselves.

But what might happen if we stayed in the conversation a little longer?
What if we leaned into it—with heart—and focused on our intentions rather than acting on assumptions?

In the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler describe this kind of presence in tough moments. They call it: “Start with heart.”
I like to think of it as leaning into heart—through the entire difficult conversation.

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So what’s this really about?

It’s about staying anchored in the right motives, no matter what happens during a hard conversation.

Sure, there’s no shortage of tips on how to survive conflict.
But I don’t want to survive tough conversations. I want to live through them.
To stay present—even in the discomfort—and commit to remaining focused, moment by moment, breath by breath, through every bitter bit.

Because the truth is:
There’s often something beautiful buried within the messy—if we’re willing to stay, not walk away.

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Yes, I’m probably wired a little differently:
I actually love conflict.
Not because conflict is good in itself, but because it’s one of the rare moments when something real breaks through.

In those moments, we become fully human—raw, emotional, fighting for what matters to us.
There’s nothing closer to our core than what emerges in and between us during these conversations.
Yes, it often comes out wrapped in fear, frustration, or confusion. So it takes a few rounds to reach the real core of what’s actually going on.

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Of all the tools I know for staying grounded in heated moments, two stand out

1. Be clear about where you want to go

2. Refuse to step onto the “either/or” stage

Let’s start with the first:

Know where you want to go.
When pressure builds, we tend to negotiate with ourselves, throwing out compromise after compromise—just to avoid the pain of staying present.

Don’t do that.

Stay rooted in where you want to go.
And celebrate when the other person tries to say something about their direction. Why? Because you might end up reaching a genuine compromise where both give and receive—and that’s great!

But if the compromise comes from false motives, from fear or avoidance, it won’t hold.
It has no roots in either of you.
And the wounds will likely reopen. The pain will return. The conversation will come back around—just harder.

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So, the second point: Don’t accept the “either/or” trap.

You’ve heard it said in defense of a bad decision:

“I had no choice. It was either this or that.”

But is life really that binary?
Do we really have to choose between only either and or?

I say: Refuse it.

There’s always an alternative.
If we widen the lens, expand the horizon, and deepen our perspective—especially when the conversation gets tight and our vision narrows—we might just see something else.

At the very least, check your peripheral vision.
Look to the edges of the conversation—where the unusual possibilities live.
Often, that’s where the breakthroughs happen: not in the spotlight, but in the margins.

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And one more thing—maybe the most important:

The only person you can control is yourself.

So use your time and energy wisely. Work on yourself in the conversation.
Don’t waste your breath trying to force someone else to change.

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A practical move I use? Questions

I ask myself things like:

• What do I want right now?
• Where am I going with this?
• How can I step away from the fight-or-flight paths in this moment?

And you know what? It actually helps.
These questions pull me back into the heart of the conversation—helping me live through it, not just get through it.

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I’m cheering you on—one difficult conversation at a time.
And if you want support from Dreieskiva, I’d be honored to walk with you.
Because this is what I love:
Everything that happens in and between us humans.

The most beautiful thing I know?
Watching people rise up from the pitfalls of their lives—breaking through barriers between where they are and where they long to be.