DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

For over 40 years, I lived and worked in environments marked by conservative Christianity along Norway’s west coast.

Among all the beauty, something was terribly wrong. That I had lived as a role model 24/7 under various leadership titles since the age of 12. Never off. That I suppressed my own needs to contribute so that others would be seen and satisfied in theirs. Always on.

Eventually, you become so immersed in it for the sake of others that you lose yourself. Your thoughts, will, emotions—well, your own self disappears. You’re constantly connected to the life journeys and experiences of others. Absent, disconnected, from your own life. You can follow the code for miles. And then go even further on autopilot. In the end, you go numb. And the longer you walk other people’s miles, the longer the road back to yourself.

I made poor choices along the way and crashed my marriage. Then I resigned from my job in “the bubble” and restarted outside of it. On every level. No—on another planet; beyond everything I once knew and held dear.

The road home to my own thoughts, values, will, and emotions has been long. I spent years sorting out what was truly my faith and values on one hand, and what was social and cultural conditioning on the other—the “tribe’s shared logic and explanations” that I no longer need to carry with me or have an opinion on.

Restarting life outside a regulated community has been demanding—but deeply welcome. For me, it’s been a liberating experience.

Restarting, for me? It means finally being allowed to move forward to the starting point. At last—I’m living my life.

Here are a few steps that may help you in the transition:

Reflect on your values and goals

Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and what you want to achieve in life outside the regulated community. This can help you set direction for your new path.
This step takes more time than you think. Give yourself that time—as a gift!

Build a support network

Identify people outside the community who can support you through this transition. This could be friends, family members, or new people you meet along the way who share your values and goals.

I have my “wingmen.” They know my strengths—that’s where I carry. But they’ve also seen me at my weakest—that’s when they lift. I’m unspeakably grateful for my wingmen: two close friends from childhood. I’ve flown through storms on my own wings—but without them, I would’ve crash-landed.

You’ll also need people who can handle the trains of thought you’re going to ride—again and again. Who understand that your will and courage may rise and fall like a rollercoaster over time. Perhaps your support system will even need to learn how to pause and wait for your emotions to catch up. That’s how it was for me. I was so numb that it took years to reconnect with my feelings. And when they came—they came in a torrent. Like a landslide. It was overwhelming, but we’ll unpack that in another blog post.

Seek professional help if needed

If you feel completely overwhelmed or need guidance, don’t hesitate to seek help from professionals like therapists, counselors, or mentors. They can help you manage emotional challenges and give you tools to cope with change.

When most of my life story began to dissolve and nothing seemed to have substance anymore, I sought help from a psychologist. He didn’t know much about theology—but he knew a lot about cognitive therapy. And that was exactly what I needed at the time.

Explore new interests and activities

Use this opportunity to explore new interests and activities you might not have had space for before. This can enrich your life and help you find meaning and fulfillment outside the regulated community.

Sure, life’s turns are often poorly signposted. Maybe you find yourself in a ditch you never planned to wade through? You meant to go straight—life swerved west. But here’s the beauty of life: it might throw you off course, but it also offers new chapters. Explore them. Embrace them.

Life is… more than the life that was.

Go at your own pace

Remember, restarting life outside a regulated community is a process. It’s important to be patient and kind with yourself along the way.

You are the best judge of your own pace. Set a tempo you feel safe and comfortable with. Change means you’ll need to absorb and process a lot that is new.

Don’t go so fast that you miss the good news in your own story.

Build a new identity

It can be hard to define your identity outside the regulated community—for me, also outside the Christian titles that had defined my life for 30 years. Allow yourself to explore and develop a new identity that feels authentic to you.

This might be the most daunting part of the restart. Who’s to say you’ll succeed in building a new platform for your life? A new job. New knowledge to gain. New skills to develop. A new career. New friends (because let’s be honest: some of those “inside” may struggle to see you thriving “outside”—some might prefer if you fell apart to reinforce their belief in the necessity of the community you left). Maybe you’ll also benefit from a new place to live?

That’s a lot for one person to wrestle with. The tension shows up early. And it may stay for a long time.
I understand that tension well. Maybe it helps to think of it as a journey where you’re allowed—100% allowed—to stumble and fall along the way. Just make sure you stumble forward. And fall forward. And what if you arm yourself with this truth:

Restarting your life is not a one-time event—it’s a series of starts.

A new identity is not created in 24 hours. It’s formed through days and years of consistent daily choices.

Set realistic goals

Set realistic and manageable goals for yourself in your new life. This can help keep you motivated and give you a sense of achievement as you reach your goals.

For me, physical activity has been especially important on this journey. “Going to the gym” became a way to break the mental loop while I clapped the weights or stared at myself in the mirror (as one does at the gym). Just breaking something overwhelming into smaller, manageable physical goals helped me through the transition.

Be kind to yourself!

Between self-pity and self-righteousness lives a word I’ve grown deeply fond of:

Self-compassion

It’s about practicing self-care. About caring for yourself in and through everything. And that you’re allowed to! More than that—you must, if you are to be your best self in meeting others.

Take care of yourself through this transition. That includes taking time for things that bring you joy and well-being.

Because the truth is:

Even if much is wrong, something can still be right.
Even if you carry grief, you can still feel joy.
Even if not everything is in place, you can still feel well-being.

That most things will be different? Yes.
But different can also be good.

Restarting life outside a regulated community can be challenging, but it also opens the door to new freedoms and possibilities.

By going at your own pace, seeking support, and remaining open to exploration, you can build a meaningful and authentic life beyond the bounds of the community you once belonged to.

I’ve done it. And I’d be glad to walk alongside you in your own transitions.

You can rest assured: I won’t take a gram of your responsibility off your shoulders. But to offer you my shoulder, when you’re facing your uphill climbs? Absolutely!