As a coach, my aim is to facilitate change—to take what is, and help make it better.
What I love most is seeing people break through barriers toward the goals they’ve set for their life and work. Over three decades as a mentor and advisor—in varied contexts and teams—I have consistently sought to move beneath the surface of what happens… to what is really happening. I observe patterns of what works—and what doesn’t—in enabling meaningful change, whether in personal relationships or across organizational dynamics.
This is an ongoing journey of learning. Here are some key insights that I believe genuinely help—toward something better.
Regarding our assumptions
Assumptions shape our behavior. Behavior creates experience. Experience reinforces our assumptions.
Whatever we assume to be true, we risk behaving as though it actually is true—and we look for proof. This leads to so‑called self-fulfilling prophecies: We make assumptions before truly hearing the other person. Then we don’t listen—we look for evidence supporting our preconceptions. Soon enough, we think we’ve heard what we assumed. We feel clever, even prophetic. But in reality, we’ve built a circular argument that serves no one—but can shatter a meeting. Because we never really showed up—we sent our assumptions instead.
We’ll never stop assuming. We shouldn’t. Our assumptions have protected us many times. The challenge is—noticing them, and choosing kinder—and wiser—assumptions. Let’s broaden our perspective; make space before rushing to judgment. Let’s start conversations with openness, not narrowness.
Regarding our intentions
A healthy assumption is that people do what they do for a reason that makes sense for them—even when their behavior challenges us.
Intentions are powerful. Here are four common types and their impact on our interactions:
1. Action-driven intention
If your main intent is to get things done, you may become blind to the people impacted by your actions. You’ll push forward without checking if the foundation is solid. Speak without pausing to reflect. Others may experience you not as a leader, but as a battering ram.
2. Accuracy-driven intention
If getting it exactly right is your priority, you’ll slow the process to seek perfection. This can paralyze progress if your need for certainty prevents practical decisions. You become known for criticism and spotting flaws—less for working together.
3. Acceptance-driven intention
If your deeper intent is to gain acceptance, you may put others’ needs before your own—even by saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” You’ll seem agreeable—but the real you is missing. You lose yourself in seeking approval.
4. Recognition-driven intention
If you crave recognition, you may compete for the spotlight even when people simply need focus. You need to be seen—even when others need space to work. In team discussions, your drive for acknowledgment may feel disruptive—like you’re always on stage when we’re here to do the work.
Action, accuracy, acceptance, and recognition each have their place. Recognizing them—either in ourselves or in others—helps to increase our relational capacity. When pressure builds, noticing intention lowers the emotional temperature and clears space for meaningful connection.
Likewise, when we notice our own intent, we can ask for what we need in the moment—rather than silently resenting that others didn’t guess.
Regarding our goals
If I asked, “What’s wrong?” you’d probably know the answer.
But if I asked, “What do you want?”—chances are it would be harder to respond.
We know what we don’t want. But naming what we do want—that takes practice. When we’re stuck in negativity, it’s easy to spiral deeper into dissatisfaction.
A more powerful move is to define the direction—then organize our lives around it.
Knowing what you want is a key to purposeful living and more meaningful relationships.
Regarding our generosity in relationship
Why are some people easy to be around—and others difficult? I’m not solving this entirely here, but I know one thing:
Conflict arises when our focus is on differences rather than shared ground.
Think of one conflict with a close friend—and another with someone you found difficult. The difference? With friends, there’s history—and an assumption of goodwill. With strangers, that goodwill is missing—and conflict escalates.
What if we sought shared ground first—even with strangers?
Maybe our Plan A can hold if we build a foundation of mutual goodwill first.
None of us long to work with opponents. We need to know that the other person—even across disagreements—wants well for us.
Regarding our words
I love words. They can be empty—or they can be deeply lived.
Words can build walls—but they also build bridges.
Words can wound—but they can also save lives.
Carefully chosen, words help others turn knowledge into action.
Regarding our filters
Have you ever felt you listened with your full attention, only to hear:
“You’re not listening to me!”
What if you did listen—but your words were filtered?
Perception is composed of what we sense—and how we interpret it.
What you hear in a conversation isn’t always what the other person said.
We all come to conversations with filters.
So let’s invite them into the moment.
Ask for feedback:
“Did you hear what I said?”
“What do you hear me saying?”
Let’s cultivate careful listening—and build bridges across different perceptions.
Regarding our expectations
If you tell me I did something wrong—I may go defensive.
But if you tell me what you expected from me, I can try to meet it.
This isn’t unique to me. We all rise—or fall—to the level of expectations we hold for each other.
What does that mean for communication in meetings, relationships, and leadership?
I’m encouraging us all—coaches, leaders, partners—to hold curiosity about what assumptions, intentions, goals, generosity, words, filters, and expectations are present in every conversation.
Because these aren’t just words. They are the levers of empathy. And empathy is what transforms dialogue from conflict into connection.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
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