DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

(1) Ask other’s to tell their story

Common invitations:
– What’s going on?
– I’d really like to hear your opinion on this
– Please let me know if you see it differently
– Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts

(2) Mirror to confirm feelings

Describe how they look or act. Most useful when tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with their words:
– “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
– “Really? From the way you’re saying that it doesn’t sound like you are.”

Staying with observed actions shows respect & concern.

Be aware of tone of voice & delivery – create safety by showing that we’re okay with them feeling how they feel.

Examples of mirroring:
– You say you’re okay, but by the tone or your voice you seem upset
– You seem angry at me
– You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you’re willing to do it?

(3) Paraphrase to acknowledge their story

Don’t parrot back exactly, put a message in own form:
– “Let’s see if I got this right. You’re upset because I voiced my concerns about some of the clothes you wear, and this seems controlling and old fashioned to you.”

This indicates you are trying to understand and that it is safe to continue talking.

Remain calm and collected (like mirroring).

(4) Prime when you’re getting nowhere

When you believe the other person still has something to share, but needs a little more effort from you.

Offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before they will do the same.

Only do this if nothing else is working.

(5) If You disagree, use the ABC

Agree
On facts and stories you share (PS! Disagreement typically is over only 5-10% of the facts and stories).

Build
If others leave important things out.

Compare
When you differ.

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If you want to learn more about tools for talking when stakes are high, feel free to reach out.