DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Research tells us that in order to succeed in life—personally and professionally—we need emotional intelligence (EQ).

But what is EQ, really?

If I had to sum it up in a single sentence, I’d say this:

EQ is the ability to be aware of, manage, and express your emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships wisely and empathetically.

Hm… It’s clear that a lack of EQ can cause us trouble in life! That’s why it’s important to figure out how we can secure and strengthen our EQ.

Maybe we can imagine building a kind of EQ “capital” that we can then invest into situations that require us to be attentive, grounded, and clear about our own emotions, while also being able to manage relationships in the moment—with smartness and kindness. Such a “capital”—yes, sorry for using such a cold term about something so deeply human—can be imagined as consisting of several components that together make up our total EQ resource.

Does that make sense so far? If so, let me point to 10 key components, each with a simple explanation. I know there’s more to say—and that they can be defined differently—but these will suffice to spark some thinking for now:

• Assertiveness = communicating your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a straightforward and simple way.
• Empathy = being aware of, understanding, and appreciating the feelings and perspectives of others.
• Flexibility = responding wisely to change and adjusting your emotions, thoughts, and behavior to new situations and conditions.
• Optimism = seeing the brighter side of life and sensing opportunities even in the face of adversity.
• Relationship Skills = establishing and maintaining mutually satisfying relationships built on positive expectations.
• Self-Actualization = the source of emotional energy that enables you to maintain an enthusiastic commitment to long-term goals.
• Self-Awareness = understanding your own emotions and staying in touch with your feelings.
• Self-Regard = accepting and respecting yourself, and for the most part, liking the person you are.
• Self-Control = managing your emotions well and delaying action until you’ve had time to think clearly.
• Independence = being self-directed in planning and decision-making and being able to take responsibility for yourself.

Anyone who is motivated can manage their EQ capital better. Because this is a skill set we can develop.

Now, let me try to challenge the “YOU”—the one who leads at some level in your professional life:

The difference between people who (unfortunately) hold an important leadership title and people who exercise important leadership, of course, comes down to several factors—but I believe these components make a significant difference:
Assertiveness, Empathy, Optimism, Relationship Skills, Self-Actualization, Self-Regard, and Independence.

We could surely disagree here, but the point isn’t to get the answer “right.” The point is that we both let ourselves be stirred a bit—away from our established patterns and the overconfidence that can follow with years of leadership experience. Because the real question is: How are we, as human beings among other human beings, when we practice leadership?

Listen, this is important. This is a key to good leadership:

Your primary role as a leader is to create emotional wealth—or abundance—around you.
A deficit in this account within your team is a crisis. That’s why this is a wise internal investment—and a clear external competitive advantage. Great leaders invest in relationships and create space for others to make emotional investments as well.

Leaders with well-developed EQ understand both the task their team is meant to perform and the individual emotions, needs, and perspectives involved.
Team members—your crew—appreciate leaders they can relate to, who “get them.”
Empathy builds the trust and sense of being valued that every person on your team needs.

Let me put it simply, but clearly:
EQ is to your team’s total human potential what oxygen is to a fire.
Your ability to draw out the best in others is largely based on what you expect from them. Because you get what you expect.

So, where do you start if you want to build your EQ capital—this vital resource for everyday life, both in normal and more difficult moments?

It might surprise you, but I believe one of the most important things you can do is simply this:
Do what you can do—but do it from the inside rather than from external expectations.
Why? Because that’s how you keep your EQ reserves true, healthy, and strong.

“Do what you can do”—yes, I know, it sounds frustratingly simple—but it means having the wisdom to not accept the roles others have scripted for you. Instead, it means deciding to become the person you know you are capable of being.

And that requires being in good contact with your own limitations. Because no one benefits when you take on leadership beyond your capacity—or pretend to know what you’re doing when you don’t.
The best thing for everyone—including yourself—is that we find a role in the community that suits us. Yes, it should challenge us! It should stretch us beyond the status quo—but not beyond our actual abilities. Because that’s when the masks come on, the façades are painted white, the acting begins, and the compensation drains your energy.
In the worst case, we harm the people and the mission we lead.

But let’s return to the positive opportunity:
Doing what you can do—from the inside.

If you imagine your life as a book where many of the chapters were written by other people…
You begin to see that it’s not really a book about your life, is it?
Others handed you a script that shaped your direction. Sadly, many people never challenge these scripts, and go through life living stories that push external expectations on their EQ capital and how they manage it.

But a person who takes on a leadership role—whether professionally or personally—is a person who chooses to pick up the pen and write their own story.

Be that person!
Do what you can—from the inside.
Walk your own path—beyond the status quo, but not beyond your limits.

A good starting question for beginning that journey is to ask yourself:
“What can I do with my EQ? And what could I do with more EQ?”

Start from your answer.
Dive into it.
Step into your new self.
And dare to take your new role in the community.

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Source and inspiration:
Newman, Martyn. Emotional Capitalists: The Ultimate Guide to Developing Emotional Intelligence for Leaders (2007).