DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Do you understand your personal coping style under stress? As we begin to feel unsafe in a conversation, we either (tend to) move to where we withhold meaning from others – Silence – or where we try to force meaning on others – Violence.

Knowing a few of the common forms of Silence and Violence, you can see safety problems when they first start to happen. Knowing your own stress patterns and the stress patterns of others, you can stay calm, cool and connected when things get tough.

Patterns of Silence consist of any act to purposefully withhold information from others. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of shared meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are:

• Masking
• Avoiding
• Withdrawing

Patterns of Violence consist of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning on others. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are:

• Controlling
• Labeling
• Attacking

Let us try to define these 6 styles that may show up when we are under stress:

Masking – Understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Others forms are sarcasm, sugarcoating and couching.

Avoiding – Steering completely away from sensitive subjects. Talking, but without addressing the real issues.

Withdrawing – Pulling out of a conversation altogether: Either exit the conversation or exit the room.

Controlling – Coercing others to your way of thinking through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.

Labeling – Putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

Attacking – Moving from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Include belittling and threatening.

Via Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, here are some questions to check which styles you use under stress:

— — —

Masking Questions

• Rather than tell people exactly what you think, do you sometimes rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know you’re frustrated?
• When you have something tough to bring up, do you sometimes offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow?

Avoiding Questions

• Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue, do you try to change the subject?
• When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, do you sometimes hold back rather than give your full and candid opinion?

Withdrawing Questions

• At times, do you avoid situations that might bring you into contact with people you are having problems with?
• Have you put off returning phone calls or emails because you simply don’t want to deal with the person who sent them?

Controlling Questions

• In order to get your point across, do you sometimes exaggerate your side of the argument?
• If you seem to be losing control of a conversation, do you cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where you think it should be?

Labeling Questions

• When others make points that seem stupid to you, do you sometimes let them know it without holding back at all?
• When you’re stunned by a comment, do you sometimes say things that others might take as forceful or attacking – comments such as “Give me a break!” or “That’s ridiculous!” ?

Attacking Questions

• Sometimes when things get heated, do you move from arguing against other’s points to saying things that might hurt them personally?
• If you get into a heated discussion, are you known to be tough on the other person. In fact, does the person feel a bit insulted or hurt?

— — —

Knowing your styles under stress is a key to improving. It is half the battle! Because once you recognize your own reactions, you can shape your behavior to be more effective.

Identifying silence versus violence patterns, could it be that extraverts or more assertive or aggressive individuals will lean towards violence patterns? And that introverts, or passive individuals will move to silence patterns? 

A key takeaway for me is this: “Mirror mirror on the wall…” A little self-awareness goes a long way. If you can identify your own patterns, you can respond more effectively in any conversation. You see, ABBA knew too: 

“Knowing me, knowing you – Aha…”