DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Clever stories allow us to feel good about behaving badly even while achieving abysmal results.

Victim stories

«It is not my fault»

– We are innocent sufferers
– We ignore the role we play in contributing to the problem
– We have nothing but the most noble intentions

Villain stories

«It is all your fault»

– We attribute negative motives to the other person
– We exaggerate our own innocence
– We overemphasize the other person’s guilt
– We dehumanize the other person by making unfair generalizations
– We justify our own ineffective behavior

Helpless stories

«There is nothing else I can do»

– We assume there is no alternative to our predicament
– Explains why we can’t do anything to change our situation
– Attribute fixed and unchangeable traits to the other person

… Villain and Victim stories look back

Helpless stories look forward…

It’s easy to act helpless when we see other people’s behavior as fixed and unchangeable

Why we tell clever stories

– They sometimes match reality
– They get us off the hook
– They keep us from acknowledge our own sell-outs

Common sell-outs

– You believe you should help someone but don’t
– You believe you should apologize but don’t
– You believe you should stay late to finish up on a commitment but go home instead
– You say yes when you know you should say no, then hope no one follows up
– You believe you should talk to someone about concerns you have with them but don’t
– You do less than your share and think you should acknowledge it but don’t, knowing no one else will bring it up either
– You believe you should listen respectfully to feedback, but become defensive instead
– You see problems with a plan someone presents and think you should speak up but don’t

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If you want to learn more about tools for talking when stakes are high, feel free to reach out.