Have you noticed that even with the best of intentions, you can still drive your relationships to the boiling point?
It doesn’t have to be that way! A disagreement with your partner, a family member, or a colleague doesn’t need to escalate to the breaking point—if you act early to defuse the tension before it explodes.
Here are four ways to become a better conflict resolver through improved communication:
1. Face-to-face
When you’re frustrated with someone, it can be tempting to fire off a string of angry text messages. Don’t do it!
Texting instead of talking face to face creates huge potential for misunderstandings. Without body language and tone of voice, your intentions are likely to be misunderstood. Unless you want the conversation to spiral out of control—then, by all means, go wild with the texting. It’s a perfect recipe for confusion, offense, and frustration.
If your goal is to reduce and resolve conflict, prioritize face-to-face conversations. Focus on open body language when discussing disagreements. A few quick tips to keep in mind:
- Crossed arms signal that you’re closed off and defensive.
- Hands on hips or frequent gestures may come across as aggressive.
- Keep your posture as neutral as possible—whether you’re standing or sitting.
- Make eye contact, but avoid being too intense—give the other person visual breaks.
- Keep your facial expression neutral, but stay responsive—be human and humane.
Our faces are crucial in resolving conflict. I never coach via text or email alone. I believe that meaningful feedback is best given and received in person. That’s how we ensure clear communication—no guessing about tone or intention.
2. Listen actively
Even face-to-face, you can miss out on vital information if you’re not really listening. Focus your full attention on understanding what the other person is trying to say. Don’t get distracted thinking about your reply. The more you truly listen, the shorter the conflict might be.
We quickly realize that effective communication rests heavily on our listening skills—and this strengthens mutual understanding between everyone involved in a conflict.
But what does active listening actually look like? Here are three steps to improve it:
a) Observe
Maintain open body language, even if what the other person says hurts or angers you. Keep steady—but non-aggressive—eye contact.
Eye contact is often the first thing to drop when we’re emotionally triggered. So stay aware of your gaze during difficult conversations.
Think: Hold! Hold! Pause… Hold! Hold! Pause… Repeat.
Step beside the conversation while still being in it—observe.
b) Listen to Both Sides—Including Your Own
Listen to yourself just as much as the other. Be aware of the words being used, the tone of voice, and the body language from both parties.
A great way to prepare for this is to get to know your own communication style before conflict arises. For instance, through a DISC course from DREIESKIVA. It’s a valuable investment in both your personal growth and relationships—private and professional.
During conflict, pay attention to the «conversation beneath the conversation,» but don’t let it distract you. Nonverbal communication sends signals you can use to resolve the situation. This only works if you’re not planning your next line while the other is speaking. Instead, take the time to truly listen.
You’ll be surprised how often you won’t even need what you were going to say once you’ve heard the other out.
c) Acknowledge the Other Person and Areas of Agreement
Active listening includes asking clarifying or confirming questions. Make sure the person you’re speaking with feels seen, heard, and received.
A great way to do this is to rephrase points as questions. This helps clarify whether you’re truly in disagreement, or if there’s actually common ground.
Every point you can agree on provides a shared understanding—and proves that you don’t have to be in conflict over everything. You can agree piece by piece. Maybe not on everything, but enough to get to the heart of the matter instead of shadowboxing over assumptions or misconceptions.
3. Avoid blame and shame-dumping—Even toward uourself
“Guilt” and “shame” are heavy words. Sometimes they belong in the conversation—but not as quickly as they tend to appear.
Sometimes guilt or shame arises before there’s anything in the actual conversation to justify it. That’s often because of our past—things we’ve experienced long before the current conflict.
Ask yourself: Is this feeling of guilt coming from this conversation, or from something earlier in my life? If it’s the latter, be very careful not to let it take over the current dialogue.
Just as you should avoid blaming or shaming yourself, never allow yourself to dump blame or shame on the other person either. If you’re going to win a disagreement, let it be on the strength of your arguments, not on personal attacks.
Personally, I want to stand tall in my failures and walk humbly in my victories.
If I challenge someone, I aim for facts—not the person.
If I win, I want it to be fair—not through tricks or manipulation.
Think about this: If you question a person’s behavior instead of their character, you invite dialogue. But if you question their abilities, values, or motives, the conversation can quickly become defensive.
4. Accept your responsibility
Be quick to accept responsibility if you realize—or are made aware—that you’ve hurt someone or made a mistake.
Yes, maybe the other person “started it.” But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is your willingness to own your part. You might be surprised how powerful that is in resolving conflict.
Your counterpart will definitely notice whether you own your mistakes—whether you acknowledge your role in what happened. That includes accepting the consequences, even when they’re uncomfortable or costly.
It’s meaningless to say you accept responsibility but try to dodge the outcomes. That only makes you hollow and untrustworthy. Avoid that path. It leads to more conflict—with others and yourself.
You’re welcome to explain your actions or share your feelings and motives. But don’t make excuses or try to blur your responsibility. Own it.
That, to me, is a true mark of character. A cow can’t bear responsibility. You can. And I can.
Do it with pride. It doesn’t weaken you—it builds you. And it makes you safer and better for those around you.
In closing
Experiencing conflict is a part of being human among humans. You can’t avoid it.
But you can do your part to make the outcome of the conflict as positive as possible.
DREIESKIVA|Roald Kvam 
Legg igjen en kommentar