DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

It’s not one of life’s laws that “good things come to those who wait.” Nor is it guaranteed that good things happen only to good people.

“Shit happens!” they say. No — life happens…

When we, as coaches guiding others through various processes, get a bit too enthusiastic, we sometimes catch ourselves saying: “Live life on your own terms!” It sounds refreshingly inspiring, but we mustn’t forget that life has its own say. You and I can make plans that look perfect on a screen or in our minds. But then life takes a left turn when we thought it would go right…

What do we do then?

We all carry a toolbox — more or less well-stocked — of life rules, tips, and tricks from our upbringing. From different sources: parents, friends, teachers, even the hairdresser or football coach. But then there are those crucial moments. The ones we didn’t plan for or ask for. Unbearable pain. Adversity. Failure. Loss.

The good life rules we learned growing up — “If you do this, then that will happen” — get seriously challenged.

Life itself teaches us that life is many things, but fair it is not

Bad things happen to good people. And, frustratingly, good things happen to bad people. It teaches us that not everything that happens serves a higher purpose. Some things are just plain unfortunate.

And that, my friend, is the beauty of listening to what life itself has to say. I’m not joking. Listen: The unfortunate is part of the “life” package. It happens. And unfortunate is just unfortunate. We don’t need to wrap it up in a beautiful package of some “higher meaning.” We don’t need to shove our feelings under “pull yourself together” blankets. We don’t have to force a deep breath and a strained positivity: “It’ll be okay in the end!”

There’s no point in me dwelling in the harder parts of my life. No, this is about facing the tough stuff. And it always starts with acknowledging how tough it really can be. Too often we rush to false comfort: “Well, it has a higher purpose — I don’t see it now, but I will later…” Or we stubbornly march forward in a tiring play of heroism that only robs us of our ears to what life is saying… and offering… right in the mess.

How do we stay honest about the hard stuff and yet gather the courage and strength to carry on, when the life we thought we signed up for is not the life we get?

The most important thing life has taught me so far is that we can endure.

Even the darkest chapters of life can give precious gifts — if we live through them

Not run from them. Not deny them. Not dress them up. These chapters can give you deeper depth, a steadier grounding, a broader perspective, discoveries of meaning — even joys within and through sorrows. If only we listen when life has something to tell us.

What does life say when it speaks? It sounds silly to say that: “Life speaks…” I know. But for me, I listen especially for the grounded, the real, the truly meaningful — the kind of life-help that enables us to endure what we’re facing right now. Not where we thought we’d be. Should be. Could be. If only… No, listen for what touches the life that’s actually happening. Here. Now.

Life tells me it’s not as simple as 2+2=4

It’s not logical, like a formula or an automated process. No, life is paradoxical. Full of seemingly contradictory elements.

Life tells me it often offers new chapters

And you are more than your last paragraph! So keep your heart open: What comes to you around the next bend?

Life promises me one thing only: It never signs contracts

That’s life’s true condition. It happens. You must live it. It’s not printed in advance contracts; step 1, step 2, step 3… up to step 90 with “old and satisfied with days.”

Life tells me it never helps to run from reality

Life-affirming people choose truth as their footing and endure reality as it is. Good and bad. Beautiful and ugly. Wonderful and terrible. Right and wrong.

Life is designed to break you

We’re headed toward death, folks. We can’t avoid that. And on the way, life will let us die many times and in many ways. Through small and bigger crises. The first heartbreak. Children moving out. Marriage falling apart. The job you didn’t get. The car you crashed or never could afford. Illness that scars your health. Friends who betrayed you when you needed them. A father who wore the title but wasn’t there day-to-day.

Life invites us to dance with reality

You are led. You are swung. You are thrown. You are caught. You are embraced. You are stretched. You lose your breath and struggle to keep the rhythm. But you dance!

Life tells me at least one rule from childhood is right: “Things take time.”

Especially when something needs to be healed.

Life tells me that love — that we truly treat each other well — is about listening

Everything we try to build together on this little globe we live on stands or falls with this one thing: Listening.

Life tells me we’re never done with anything

Everything that happens is stored in our bodies. We can close chapters by leaning fully into the new ones we write. Absolutely! But the old remains a part of our story, a part of who we are in the chapters that come. They can be a source of new wisdom, yes. But also a source of vulnerability and grief for the life that was. Either way, life keeps speaking. Both in what is lived and in what is endured.

Life is clear: It never relinquishes control

So I must know when it’s time to let go of my goal to the right and follow life to the left when it calls me there. That means setting new goals. It will be different. But it doesn’t have to be less good.

Life likes laughter

Just as physical activity helps everything, so does bringing more joy into our days. Life thrives in the ridiculous.

Life leaves openings for breakthroughs amid breakdowns

It’s not guaranteed that something good will come from what falls apart. Far from it! We invested time, energy, and hope into something that won’t be as we planned. Then life pushes against us somehow. That’s when we must navigate the crisis to find potential new breakthroughs in the ruins of our work. The shattered pieces of what was planned may hold the cornerstones of something else.

Life tells me living means being in change

Life can be messy. It never stays in status quo for long. Of course not. Like all living beings, we grow. In the conditions available at any given time. Well, then, we might as well learn to live and operate in change sooner rather than later: Make friends with chaos!

Life says it’s both strong and fragile

We can’t fully protect ourselves from harm. We can’t insure strength. But we can practice listening to what life tells us where we are. Balancing our resources and our vulnerability with sharp awareness of the circumstances we live in.

Life says a lot, but this is one of the truly important things it’s told me: Your life, Roald, is your birthright: to live! Not just to survive until you die.