DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Michel de Montaigne’s essay On Friendship, part of his larger work Essays, is a profound meditation on the nature, depth, and uniqueness of true friendship. Montaigne, one of the most influential writers of the French Renaissance, explores the philosophical and emotional dimensions of friendship, drawing from his own deep bond with Étienne de La Boétie, whose untimely death left an indelible mark on him. In On Friendship, Montaigne contrasts true friendship with other human relationships, examines its moral and philosophical significance, and reflects on the rarity of such deep bonds.

Let’s explore…

The nature of true friendship

Montaigne begins by distinguishing true friendship from other forms of relationships, such as acquaintanceships, familial ties, and political alliances. He argues that true friendship is a rare and singular experience, vastly different from ordinary companionships formed out of convenience or societal expectations. While familial relationships are bound by duty and social contracts, friendships emerge from mutual admiration, shared virtues, and an unspoken harmony of souls.

A key aspect of Montaigne’s philosophy on friendship is that it is unconditional and free from external influences, such as economic benefits, social standing, or personal gains. He criticizes friendships that are driven by utility, suggesting that such relationships are fragile and transient. Instead, he holds that true friendship is self-sufficient and is not dictated by practical needs. It is based on a deep, unshakeable bond between two individuals who see each other as a reflection of their own virtues.

The bond between Montaigne and La Boétie

Montaigne’s reflections on friendship are deeply personal, inspired by his relationship with Étienne de La Boétie, whom he describes as his one true friend. He views their friendship as an extraordinary, almost divine connection, built on absolute trust, intellectual compatibility, and emotional understanding. Their relationship was so profound that Montaigne claims it was beyond articulation, existing in a realm where words could not do justice to the depth of their mutual affection. He famously writes, “If a man should press me to say why I loved him, I feel that it could only be expressed by replying: ‘Because it was he, because it was I.’”

This assertion underscores Montaigne’s belief that true friendship transcends reason and logic—it is not based on calculable benefits but on an intrinsic and ineffable bond. He mourns the loss of La Boétie deeply, lamenting that such friendships are incredibly rare and, once lost, are irreplaceable.

Friendship and marriage

Montaigne makes a striking comparison between friendship and marriage, concluding that marriage, despite being a strong social institution, cannot achieve the same level of intimacy as true friendship. He argues that most marriages are based on obligations, societal expectations, and economic considerations rather than profound personal connections. Even in the best marriages, he believes, the relationship is often strained by duties, differences in temperament, and the traditional roles assigned to men and women.

For Montaigne, love in marriage is often passionate but volatile, subject to changes over time. Friendship, on the other hand, remains constant and is not susceptible to the fluctuations of passion, jealousy, or societal constraints. He acknowledges that while love and friendship can coexist, the purity and stability of true friendship make it a higher form of human connection.

The philosophical foundations of friendship

Montaigne draws from ancient philosophers such as Aristotle and Cicero to explore the ethical and philosophical significance of friendship. Aristotle, in Nicomachean Ethics, describes three types of friendship: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of virtue. Montaigne aligns his concept of true friendship with Aristotle’s highest form—the friendship of virtue—where individuals love each other for who they are, rather than for what they can offer.

Cicero, in De Amicitia, also emphasizes virtue as the foundation of genuine friendship. Montaigne echoes this sentiment, arguing that friendship flourishes among individuals who possess high moral character and share a common outlook on life. He asserts that true friendship cannot exist between people of vastly different virtues or values because such disparities create imbalances in the relationship.

Furthermore, Montaigne critiques the notion that one can have multiple deep friendships at the same time. He insists that true friendship is so exclusive and intense that it cannot be replicated with multiple people. This contradicts common social norms where friendships are often seen as broad networks of varying levels of intimacy. To Montaigne, a singular, unbreakable bond is superior to many shallow associations.

Friendship as a moral ideal

Beyond personal fulfillment, Montaigne views friendship as a moral and philosophical ideal that enriches the human experience. He suggests that a true friend serves as a moral compass, helping individuals grow and refine their virtues. In the presence of a true friend, one is encouraged to act with integrity, wisdom, and self-improvement. Friendship, therefore, is not just a personal pleasure but a higher ethical pursuit that contributes to an individual’s moral and intellectual development.

Montaigne’s essay suggests that in a world often dominated by self-interest, ambition, and superficial connections, true friendship is an antidote to the isolation of the human condition. It offers an example of a relationship where trust, sincerity, and selflessness prevail over manipulation and strategic social alliances.

The role of fortune and fate in friendship

Montaigne acknowledges that fortune plays a crucial role in the formation of true friendships. Unlike familial ties, which are predetermined by birth, friendships arise from chance encounters and shared experiences. He believes that destiny brought him and La Boétie together, suggesting that such profound connections cannot be forced but happen naturally. However, this reliance on fortune also makes friendship fragile, as external events—such as death—can abruptly end even the deepest bonds.

---

Montaigne’s On Friendship remains one of the most insightful and moving explorations of friendship in Western philosophy. By emphasizing its rarity, depth, and moral significance, he elevates friendship above other human relationships, portraying it as one of the highest and purest forms of human connection. His reflections, deeply rooted in personal experience and classical philosophy, highlight the transformative power of true friendship in shaping one’s moral and intellectual life.

For Montaigne, friendship is not merely a social convenience but an essential element of a well-lived life. He mourns the loss of La Boétie not just as a personal grief but as the loss of an ideal that is seldom realized. His essay serves as both a tribute to his own friendship and a guide to understanding the profound impact such a relationship can have. By reading On Friendship, one is invited to reflect on their own relationships and consider whether they have ever encountered, or could aspire to, the kind of friendship Montaigne so passionately describes.