DREIESKIVA​|Roald Kvam

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where an individual or group makes someone doubt their own perceptions, memories, or beliefs, often with the intent to gain control or manipulate them.

The term originates from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by subtly changing their environment and denying her experiences. Gaslighting can have profound emotional and psychological effects, as it disrupts a person’s sense of reality, leading to self-doubt, confusion, and even mental health issues over time.

Key Characteristics of Gaslighting

Gaslighting isn’t just lying or arguing – it involves a deliberate pattern of behaviors aimed at undermining another person’s confidence in their perceptions. Some of the defining characteristics of gaslighting include:

1. Denial of Reality: The gaslighter often dismisses the victim’s thoughts, memories, or feelings by suggesting they’re «imagining things» or «being too sensitive.»
2. Distortion of Facts: They may twist or distort events, presenting a revised version of reality that leaves the victim doubting their own memories.
3. Projection: Gaslighters often project their own flaws or actions onto the victim, accusing them of behaviors that they themselves are guilty of, creating further confusion.
4. Isolation: A gaslighter may attempt to isolate the victim from friends, family, or support systems by suggesting these people don’t have their best interests at heart. This isolation reinforces the gaslighter’s influence and control.
5. Using Love or Sympathy as Manipulation: Some gaslighters may use affection, sympathy, or guilt to reinforce their control. They may act concerned or pretend to care deeply while subtly manipulating the victim’s perception of events.

The goal of gaslighting is typically to create doubt and dependency. Over time, the victim may start to question their own judgment, giving the gaslighter increased control and influence over them.

Psychological Impact of Gaslighting

The effects of gaslighting can be devastating, often leading to emotional distress, anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. Here are some of the psychological consequences:

1. Erosion of Self-Confidence: Victims may lose confidence in their own judgment, feeling that they’re always in the wrong or that they’re too «emotional» or «irrational.»
2. Cognitive Dissonance: The victim may experience a sense of conflict between what they know to be true and what the gaslighter insists is true. This can lead to cognitive dissonance, where the individual feels torn between different perceptions of reality.
3. Increased Anxiety and Depression: The chronic stress of being gaslighted can lead to mental health issues, particularly anxiety and depression. Victims may feel isolated, helpless, or even «crazy» due to constant invalidation.
4. Dependence on the Gaslighter: As self-doubt grows, victims may become more reliant on the gaslighter for validation, reinforcing the manipulator’s control and creating a cycle of dependency.

Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can occur in various relationships and contexts, each presenting distinct challenges:

1. Romantic Relationships: Romantic gaslighting often includes subtle manipulation where one partner undermines the other’s feelings, memories, and self-worth to gain control. This might look like dismissing emotions or minimizing experiences by saying, «You’re overreacting,» or «That never happened.»
2. Family Relationships: In families, gaslighting can be used by parents, siblings, or other relatives to control behavior or perceptions. Parents may use it to make children feel overly dependent or to project an image of being the «perfect family,» denying any harm they might have caused.
3. Workplace Gaslighting: Gaslighting can also happen in the workplace, where a boss or colleague manipulates another’s reality to maintain authority. Examples include denying making a statement or promise or rewriting past events to make someone else appear at fault.
4. Cultural or Societal Gaslighting: Broader cultural gaslighting can occur when societal norms or media deny or distort the experiences of certain groups. For example, marginalized communities may experience gaslighting when systemic issues are downplayed, dismissed, or blamed on the individuals themselves.

Recognizing Gaslighting: Warning Signs

Identifying gaslighting early on can help prevent long-term psychological effects. Some key signs to look for include:

• Constantly Questioning Your Reality: If you frequently find yourself doubting your memories or second-guessing your own perceptions, this may be a sign of gaslighting.
• Feeling Confused or «Crazy«: Gaslighting is effective because it targets your confidence in your own reality. If you feel like you’re «losing your mind» because of conflicting stories or denial of events, it’s important to assess whether someone is manipulating you.
• Apologizing Excessively: Constantly feeling the need to apologize or feeling at fault even when you’ve done nothing wrong can indicate that you’re under a gaslighter’s influence.
• Avoiding Certain Topics to Prevent Conflict: If you avoid certain discussions or topics because you know they’ll lead to your reality being questioned, it may be an indication of gaslighting.
• Frequent Self-Doubt: If you’re starting to believe that you’re too emotional, irrational, or sensitive, this could be the result of prolonged gaslighting, as manipulative people often target these qualities.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

If you suspect you’re being gaslighted, there are several strategies to help protect yourself and regain control:

1. Document Events: Keep a record of conversations, events, and exchanges to validate your memories. Written records can help you confirm your own reality and recognize patterns of manipulation.
2. Seek External Validation: Discuss your experiences with trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional who can provide perspective and confirm your perception of reality. External feedback can be invaluable in resisting gaslighting.
3. Set Boundaries: Establish and enforce clear boundaries with individuals who gaslight you. You may choose to limit your exposure to them or disengage from conversations where manipulation occurs.
4. Use Assertive Communication: Avoid engaging in arguments with gaslighters, as this can reinforce their control. Instead, use assertive statements, focusing on your perspective without seeking validation from them. For example, «I remember this happening differently, and I’m confident in my memory.»
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Gaslighting can erode self-esteem, so it’s important to practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that your feelings and perceptions are valid, and resist the urge to blame yourself for falling into a manipulative dynamic.
6. Seek Professional Help: Gaslighting can lead to significant challenges. Working with a therapist can provide you with coping strategies and tools to rebuild self-confidence, process emotions, and develop stronger boundaries.

The Importance of Self-Awareness

The experience of gaslighting can be destabilizing and damaging, but with awareness, you can begin to recognize the patterns and regain control over your perceptions. Understanding gaslighting empowers individuals to trust their own experiences and validate their perceptions.

Awareness is essential not only for personal recovery but also for setting clear boundaries in future relationships, whether personal or professional.

In a broader sense, increasing awareness about gaslighting can help prevent manipulation on a societal level. When people recognize these tactics, they are better equipped to challenge and resist them, fostering healthier and more honest relationships.